21.

Johnski- "Rachel, you might wanna change lanes...that truck is about to Michelle Branch your ass."

20.

Text from Kristin:


Beautiful girls all over the world I could be chasing but my time would be wasted. They got nothing on you Rachel. They got nothing on you.

19.

Johnski: i like small girls
Rachel: you're silly
Johnski: i like being silly
Rachel: i like you when you're silly
Johnski: i just like girls
Rachel: rawr john
Johnski: i'm too straight for my own good...mmm girls

18.

BENNETT: I invented a some new slang today. Female douche bags are now known as "douche baguettes" Eh? Eh? Eh?

I think it works in so many contexts, too. "Hey, check out that baguette wearing hot pants and Uggs in the snow" or "the baguette dropped her phone in the toilet" or "the baguette just called our black waiter, "son".
I feel that douchebagery is a universal institution exhibited by both men and women. By overlooking women as possible douchebags, we are overlooking half of the possible douchebag candidates.

16.

Rachel:

become an estranged artist with an insouciant attitude, who smokes a pack of cigarettes a day, has a few young male suitors for those lonely nights. i'll drink a bottle of whiskey every three days and create ingenius works of literature. i'll own a condo that is far too nice for one person to live in but it will all be justified because i won't actually be living in it. i'll be travelling the world with my young and eager, gay assistant who teaches me french in our free time and is just as lonely and miserable as myself. we'll be best friends and gossip freely.


(asking amber if she would someday like to be my gay assistant)

Amber: its the perfect opportunity for me to incorporate myself in the gay community

15.

12:55 P.M. Amber:

have you ever gone out of your way to pluck a feather off a goose and shove it in your nose to see if you'll sneeze?

12:55 P.M. Rachel:

the one time i truly orgasmed

15.

Rachel:

i need a beginning, but where do i find one?

Chase:

they sell beginnings in the beyond section of bed bath and beyond.

14.

rant: from rachel to drew.


"guys don't like smart girls who have their heads on straight. guys like rehab ridden, anorexic, hair stylist girls who post song lyrics as every face book update and have peace signs to compliment the same face they make in every single picture.

just so you know."

13.

Rachel: are you trying to insinuate something here?
Kevin: I just wanna be all in between your bristles baby